geraldine

There was once, a very long time ago, when I couldn't for the life of me wrap my head around the fact that there seemed to be people who were so afraid to open their hearts to romance and love, I couldn't understand how people could live in such fear and not be brave enough to just go for it, to just fall. At that point in time, a very young and innocent and, I might add, rather whole, untouched, un-broken me didn't and couldn't understand the meaning of loss and heartache. The phrase "once bitten twice shy" never meant anything to me. I was brave, reckless, impulsive. There was beauty in that, there is much to be envied in that. But there was also foolishness, foolishness for thinking that there shouldn't be any fear. You see, I was the type of girl who just kept going, even if the dog bit her, she'd still (after a very slight while) put her hand back in. Now, as the years pass, and I grow older, I don't know if I've simply lost hope and courage, or have I gained some wisdom, or have I done both? Fear helps you to survive, but it can also stop you from living. Stops you from dying, stops you from living. What a paradox eh? But then again, many things in life are paradoxes. Everything exists on the basis of paradoxes. And ironies. And contradictions. And circles, of course. We'll just go round and round and round the same things. Always struggling between paradoxes, contradictions, ironies, and God-knows-what-else.

I'm now that kind of person the younger me would have tilted her head questioningly, frustratingly at. I'm now paying for my innocence, impulse and daring with this acquired knowledge, experience and fear.

It's 11 something, and I'm still stuck in bed, eyes blurry from sleep. Woke up so many times becayse max was jumping up and down the bed and scratching himself. I think the addition of the bolster, which leaves him very little room on my bed, makes him grumpy. But he's always such a sweetie :D (yes, I know I'm biased).

Still debating whether to get out of bed or not. Feels so good to just lie here half awake, typing typing typing away on this tiny keypad. Body's aching in a rather pleasant way from all the runs and sit-ups. Makes me feel good. Missed last night's run though, cause it was too late :( wondering if I should get up and go for a run now...

Yesterday was a day well-spent with the girls, though I wish xw could've joined us. Chris, Nuo and I ended up playing L4D2 and it was awesome. But we kept dying. Those damn zombies. hahahaha

Gonna drag myself out of my comfy bed now!

It's Ford's birthday today. One year ago, I could hang out with him. One year ago, I bought a ridiculously small candle in the shape of a 'C', lit it, and started singing 'Happy Birthday'. It was hilarious, and totally silly. But I was happy.

Cried myself to sleep. Cried till I was exhausted.

But today's a better day. A brand new day.

10 months and 27 days. When it hits 1st January 2010 it'll be exactly one year. Rather amusing really. :)

Sorry, I don't count number 17 as a proper one. And number 18, I could only wish. Could, not can. No more.

Life is good like that. Study, give tuition, work on my paintings, drawings, poems, plays etc, spend time with the family and bffs and close friends. Life is better than it's ever been.

Really.

Grandma's coming over to stay for a few days. Need to clean the house before she comes over! <3

I am unable to effectively talk about and express every single bit of my feelings (especially the important parts, because deep down, it's all vulnerable and scary, okay) with most people. Only if you're a) Aynur, b) Clifford, c) Sa, d) Daddy, e) Jie, or f) an inanimate object i.e. my diary, I'll be able to go on and on.

Evacuate the dancefloorrrrrr -
I feel like dancing like crazy again hahaha.

Oh man. Wanted to wake up at 9 this morning. But was so incredibly tired! I only managed to stay awake long enough to watch the first half of Chelsea's match last night. When half-time came, I just couldn't take it already, I went to bed. And when the alarm clocks (yes, clocks in the PLURAL, gosh) rang this morning, I just switched them off and had this silent monologue with MYSELF in my head, convincing myself to just go back to bed cause today's the only day in the whole week I can afford to sleep in just that little bit. Ugh. Now I feel guilty.

Am seeinga Nuo again later! She's gonna accompany me to get the signing for D.

While talking to Reynard yesterday, that whole 'I'm-really-lucky' feeling washed over me again (this happens from time to time haha). I've got the two best-est best friends in the whole wide world, and they're really the best people I've ever met, funny, loyal, caring, sensible, rational, empathic etc. And I've been blessed with wonderful relationships with my family members (esp DADDY :)) and a handful of people I'm really close to and who have got my back just like I've got theirs (Pinky I love you!). :)

Life is good! I realise, no matter what, sadness (and sometimes, loneliness) will find a way to seep in and take you by surprise at times, but at the end of the day, if you can accept the sadness as part of life, and take a step back when you need to, and learn to count your blessings, that's where happiness is. Happiness is not about not having sadness, or being ecstatic all the time, but it's about learning to accept the things that cannot be changed, learning to take the bad that comes with the good, and learning to recognise the good things in life.

It amuses me how some people can be so quickly judgemental about other people without empathy or making allowances for differences in character and disposition. You may not like a certain aspect, but you shouldn't judge and make rather sweeping statements. You do not know what's really going on to those people, don't you, but you make it sound as if you do, and you pass really quick and decided remarks about them. I don't think that's very nice. It's one thing to have an opinion, but it's a whole other thing to bring someone down with the judgements you make that are so thoughtless. Hmmm. Just saying ya know *shrugs.

All right, time to get up and head to school! Rehearsal with Reynard and Rose today :)

I just had a short conversation with Dad that sounded like 2-year olds arguing.
Me pointing to the vacuum cleaner while Dad's holding it,
Me: Give me.
Dad: Go away.
Me: Give me.
Dad: Go away.
Me: Give me!
Dad: Go away!
I sulked, and went away.

I'm not kidding. That exchange really took place. In fact, it just took place 5 minutes ago. It's highly comical!!!

And before that, Mom was feeding Max and she asked him to growl out an 'I love you' (how and why my mom thinks max can understand what she wants him to growl out is beyond my understanding, but it's still cute!), and he, the cutie, gave such a cute growl/whine hahahaha with his tail wagging furiously. Adorable!

I love my family! :D

Hahahaha I think it'd be an understatement to say that I'm ecstatic, because I'M WAY BEYOND BEING MERELY ECSTATIC!
Ford called, again, and man, I've missed him! And listening to all that army, uniform regimental etc related talk, brings me back to when we were 13 and 14. How awesome! hahahahahaha.

YAY I'M DAMN HAPPY HE CALLED!

When you're dreaming sweet beautiful dreams,
And all you have in reality's just an empty heart,
No matter how you convince yourself with your full life,
Waking up in the morning's always the hardest part.

I had such a good dream. Dreaming about a really good friend whom I haven't seen in awhile cause he's not in Singapore anymore. And it was sweet that I dreamt about him. I hope he can find some time to come back for another visit soon.
I always promised him a letter. I think I'll go write that letter soon, like in 5 minutes :D

And I missed lunch with Pink today. I'm sorry pink, if you're reading this, we'll have lunch again soon okay!

Ford called on Sunday night!!! I wonder how's BMT going for him. He switched off his phone when we hung up, and the messages I sent after we hung up didn't seem to be able to get through :(

Aynur called and woke me up today. And her dreams (more like nightmares for her tho) are rather funny, if you ask me. But Yes, I admit they can be rather bad dreams. Haha.

I've gotta go now. Auf Wiedersehen!

My two favourite days are coming up!!! :D Halloween's only a couple of weeks away, and Christmas is only 2 months away!
The girls and I are throwing a halloween party :D d'ya think we're too old to go trick or treating? Hmmmm...

Happy thoughts, happy day!

Just some quick updates I suppose.
Been rather easily irritable over the past week. I blame it on PMS. No, really, I don't, cause I got seriously annoyed and pissed off by a whole multitude of various individuals whom I still feel like kicking. Some of them I love, but I'm only human (and I just deleted off a whole chunk here, but whatever it is, I'm just frustrated, mostly with the situation, not the people). And some of them, I USED to love. Not anymore though. You piss me off to such an extent, and you make it worse with your insincerity (even your apologies, though rather acceptable in quantity, are sorely lacking in the sincere department). And there are yet some others who I shall not attempt to describe, nor shall I attempt to describe my annoyance or displeasure. Because it just won't be very nice.
And, Ford's in BMT now. I miss best friend Ford. I hope he's doing okay, that smarmy ass. Love him to bits.
Can I tell everyone again how much i love THE girls? Nuo, Na (she's finally turned 21!), XW, Chris and Pinky!
Am so happy for pink! It's great to finally see her so ecstatic :D
Nuo and I have this big idea. Slightly crazy, but I think it'll work :D

So much work to do, so little time. But it all keeps me busy, and yes, tired too, but I love being busy with the things I like. Which is good.
And been spending quite a bit of time with mom and dad, TOGETHER, which is nice.
Mom's funny.
Dad and I have the craziest range of conversations. Love him so much! We talk about football, go on to politics, and jump to family drama and gossip, and go on to business, and then talk about Life and Love, and then talk about more football... It's awesome :D

Life is pretty good, all in all. I could probably do with earning more money though. Transport's a killer, food prices are scary, and books aren't cheap. And plus, a girl needs some spare cash for some retail therapy here and there ;)

I'm slightly worried about not being able to age gracefully. Will start taking better care of myself. No one's gonna take care of me and make sure I eat well, sleep well, exercise enough, treat myself well etc. Just gotta do it all on my own. Piece of cake, really, once I find time to squeeze out from somewhere to make sure I eat, and eat well. I will drink more water. I will moisturise. I will eat. I will go swimming to alleviate the backaches. I will allow myself time to rest and relax instead of working myself to the bone. I will smile more (emotional well-being, haha) and laugh more. I will take comfort in life's little pleasures, like playing with Max, chatting with family (with Dad especially :)), drinking tea and just staring into space...
Wow. This sounds like a resolution list. Heh. Hope I stick to it!

Just finished lunch and girl talk with Ravin! :D Yay, she said I look sexy today! hahaha. Real confidence booster seriously, especially when I feel like crap and my hormones are all screwed up. Girlfriends FTW!
And had a seriously funny phone conversation with Aynur just now, and I've so far decided to leave my shoes, clothes and diaries for her when I die. She was enthusiastic about my shoes and clothes, not so happy about my diaries. I believe she said a very loud NO. Okay... hahaha gotta go to the doc's now. Later! :)

brain: WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU OUT CAN YOU JUST SAY YES FOR GOODNESS SAKE! UGH.
heart: but... I don't feel like it.
brain: AND THEN YOU WANT TO FALL IN LOVE *rolls eyes How do you expect to fall in love if you just shun everyone?!
heart: but...
brain: YOU'RE HOPELESS.

Thank you, brain.